Cold Blue
by Gfcem
Summary: Wesley's death told from Illyria's point of view. One-shot.


**I've been playing around with this idea for a while, please tell me what you think!**

**Summary: Wesley's death told from Illyria's pov.  
**

The snapping of spines of the weaklings was easy, especially when they were restrained. I finished very quickly sadly. I wished to take my mind off the feelings I'd been having of late. This last day especially. It was then that I remembered that Wesley was probably not succeeding yet. Perhaps he required assistance.

I knew where to go, though I'd only been there once. I remembered what had happened. Angel and Wesley had been quite concerned and regretful for Wesley's actions. I did not particularly care, but it did seem to bother Wesley.

Though I could not hear any sounds of fighting, I assumed that Wesley and the wizard must have been, for that is what Wesley had been sent to do. I opened the doors forcefully, only to find quite a different picture in store for me.

The wizard was shoving against Wesley with something. I could only assume it was deadly. I bounded towards him in two leaps, forcing him down from his levitated state. He collapsed on the ground. The wizard I shoved away, where he slammed into a wall and seemed to be out for a while, perhaps a bit dazed, but unable to get up. I kneeled besides Wesley, confused.

The wizard had stabbed him, the knife flying away when I shoved him back. Wesley was pressing his hands against his stomach in pain, and then more as if there was nothing more he could do. He lifted his hands and stared for a second, before resting them down, one on himself, and one on me.

I was confused for two reasons. One was what was happening, I could not understand. It was evident he had lost much blood. It was obviously a mortal wound for him and his kind. The second reason was the feelings that were rushing through me when I realized the former. Sadness and grief. Two things one such as me is unfamiliar with. And there was another feeling, I could not identify. It was like the excitement before a battle you'd win. It was a warmth that filled you to your fingers and made them tingle. The more I looked at Wesley the more confused I felt. One such as me should not be confused.

"This is a mortal wound." I stated. He seemed to be in a state of shock. Like he too could not comprehend what was happening. Maybe he couldn't. He lost so much blood and his hands were covered in it from pressing against his abdomen.

I felt something in my eyes. An unfamiliar feeling, like water behind flood gates. I had seen many humans do this, and remembered my host, Fred, doing so as well. This feeling came right before the flood gates opened. I then did the one thing that Wesley hadn't wanted. I pretended.

"Wesley." I was unsure of what to say, what she would say. What Wesley wanted to hear. "Hi Wesley."

Wesley stared up at Fred's face, the woman I could never be, though I would always remind him of. He seemed to be in a dream-like state, not believing what was happening. I did not want to believe either. The way he looked at Fred, his obvious adoration of her, even from before, when she was with another man, when he could not have her. I had seen this before in humans.

"I-" He choked on the words, "I miss you."

But I'd never thought I feel it.

It pained me to think that he would never look at me that way. The only one in this new world, who understood what I did. The first person who'd begun to trust me. The one who'd helped me understand myself more fully, would never know just how much he'd changed me.

I could change my physical appearance. When I came into this world, I took my host and gave her larger eyes and and hair of the same color. One color that I remembered from my previous time. Ice blue. A cold blue, that would not be cracked. It would not be affected by the goings on in this new world. Color has no emotion, and neither would I.

But he saw through that stone cold, stark appearance. He knew me for who I was. And he did not judge.

"It's gonna be okay." I didn't understand what I was saying, but I knew he wanted to be reassured. Fred would say this. "It won't be that much longer." This was true, he was losing his life blood fast.

"And then you'll be where I am."

But where was I?

It hurt when he looked like that at _her_ face, and knowing it was me, but wanting to believe it was _her_.That one word, "Fred." Recognizing her. Not me, who would be with him in his death. But his pretense, his eyes knew it was me, and even though he'd pretended it wasn't her he wanted to see that afternoon, he name was all it took to ring truth.

Her name did not cut though. I was used to others seeing her. I was the infection, the invader in her body. I had no right to be there, in their eyes. In his eyes. But he kept his peace and pretended it was her this time.

"We'll be together." Fred would want that, I could see it in her memories. Wesley obviously did. But why didn't I?

Wesley panted for air, his eyes focusing on me. "I-" he paused to breath in. "I-I love you."

"And I love you." But I didn't, Fred did.

And in all this confusion, there was only one thing clear to me, that Fred was to Wesley, and Wesley was to Fred...was my-

"My love."

It hurt, truth. I thought it was all that mattered. That we needn't pretend. Lies were a deception to fool. But they can be used to protect yourself. And the hurt I felt right then was worse than any other hurt from the old world.

I felt streams carry down my cheeks and tasted my tears.

And I felt Wesley die.

And once more, I was confused.


End file.
